Autoimmune Blues
A healthy immune system fights viruses. An autoimmune disease uses the immune system to fight itself. I’ve been living with this since 1988; born in 1986. Maybe I was born this way? I don’t get too hung up on the ‘why me’ stuff, I just like to provide context.
I’ve been sick a long time. When your system actively fights itself, it doesn’t know about viruses ‘sneaking in’. It often becomes so fatigued due to the constant cellular battle that sometimes the body, aka ‘me’, doesn’t even truly know if it has a virus (or if this is just another day in the life).
The medicine used to treat my disease (rheumatoid arthritis; polyarticular JRA/IRA) quiets the immune response. This means my immune system ‘chills out’ and stops harming itself. It also means that it’s got it’s hands behind it’s back when the viruses present.
To combat heavy viral loads/flu season, I am often advised by docs to stop my medicine. This resurrects my immune system’s ability to fight the bad guys. Of course, it also starts fighting the good guys (joints, blood, soft tissue/organs) because autoimmune disease gonna autoimmune disease. If I want to win the fight, I have to stay off my meds until I believe the virus has cleared; no matter the pain nor damage done to my healthy cells.
Keep going.
This is my life and it is a shared experience. I am not alone, which is why I write about stuff. Some people find comfort in feeling understood or seen. Since the early days of being a test patient in child drug trials through teenage joint replacement surgery, I will always raise my hand to help find ‘the next helpful thing’ even when it hurts. A lot of things fail. Very few work. It’s important to keep going.
The amount of times I have to literally say, “If I didn’t push myself, I would not get out of bed in the morning” is up there.
Why don’t you stay home?
Why don’t you rest?
Why do you keep pushing yourself?
IF I DIDN’T PUSH MYSELF, I WOULD NOT GET OUT OF BED.
I would not find strength.
I would not be able to keep going.
I have to keep going.
Flawed theory
I did take one day to work from home quasi-recently. Fatigue got the best of me and I could not push myself to get out of bed. Well... I could and I did but in doing so, I was able to plan a day to not have to. I planned a day of strategic sleep.
I have been battling a virus, diagnosed as a potential sinus or serious upper respiratory (maybe COVID) infection, in the fall. It takes my system a very long time to recover from infections. Infections are very serious to me; they are no threat to other healthy individuals. I wear a mask at work/in public spaces when I am feeling off.
Sleep helps.
But sleep is not enough. There is a new plan (from my doctor). Some of it involves eliminating things from my diet because, yes, I am having infectious responses to the things that I eat/drink now. This is how messed up my immune system is. Latest blood work indicates a serious infection and system fatigue (no shit!):
WBC Neutrophils at 0.5
White Blood Cell Count 2.4
Keep going.
I work full time. I’m married. We’ve got two active, social kids. I own/operate a seasonal business.
I’m tired.
I’m sick.
I have to keep going.